Day 811: 2019 Year in Review

Rachel, Day by Day

Downtown Chicago on a beautiful day.

Well, 2019 is almost over. There were many ups and downs, but I thought I’d focus on the good. Overall we had a lot of fun times! Here are some of my highlights from this year.

 

Highlights of 2019

New Years Day party with friends

Sledding (first time for my son)

Many fun outings with my moms group

Visit for Barb’s birthday

Son made it in online magazine for fun kid’s event

Fun activities and outings with friends and our kids

Went to nice restaurant for Valentine’s Day

Stayed at Lake Lawn Lodge for a weekend with my family

Lake Lawn Lodge with Uncle John.

St. Patrick’s Day parade and party with friends

Son’s birthday at the children’s museum and party with friends and family

A fun birthday for this kiddo.

Editing conference in Rhode Island

Family vacation in Philadelphia to visit Chris and Renee

Philadelphia with friends.

Holidays with family (Easter, Mother’s Day, etc.)

Son’s Little Kickers soccer class

My work annual conference in Nashville

Found out I’m pregnant with a girl!

Children’s Museum with family

Gilmore Girls Trivia with my mom

Fourth of July party with friends

Architecture tour in downtown Chicago

Architecture Tour in Chicago

Swam with family over the summer

Swimming!

Basement flooded since our ejector pump stopped working

Trip to Grand Rapids, Mich., just the three of us

A nice family vacation.

Hillside concerts

Family visited and went to Maggiano’s Little Italy

Galena trip with college friends

Fun with friends!

Arlington Racetrack with friends

Son started preschool

First day of school.

Wisconsin Dells trip with family

Wisconsin trip with family.

Rader’s Farm visit with family

Son’s T-ball class

Sonny Acres visit

Scott’s Grandpa’s 90th birthday

Our basement is now finished

Went to Lake Geneva with my Mom and son

Thanksgiving with Scott’s family

Thanksgiving with family.

Polar Express with Scott and son

Meeting Santa on the Polar Express.

Early Christmas with family

Son’s Christmas Program

Christmas at home

New Years Eve countdown kid’s event at a local restaurant

I don’t really have any resolutions at the moment, just try to be a good mom as our baby girl joins us soon. There is one thing I’m proud of in 2019, though. I became more brave and outgoing. I finally feel like I wasn’t so shy and spoke my mind numerous times throughout the year when I didn’t think I would. I hope I can keep this up and continue it for years to come.

I might take a little break early in 2020 since we are having a baby girl soon, but Happy New Year!!

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Day 803: Cuba Trip, Part II

Rachel, Day by Day

Beautiful Havana, Cuba.

In my last blog post, I wrote about the first half of my trip to Cuba last June. Here’s the second half of my Cuba journal for you!

 

Day 7: Cienfuegos, Escambray Mountains, Trinidad

A group photo in the Escambray Mountains with the local coffee farmers.

In the morning we left Cienfuegos and headed to the Escambray Mountains. The best Cuban coffee is made in the mountains. Once we reached the top, we went on a walking tour, saw the coffee plants, and saw how the coffee is made. At the end of the tour, we got to try the coffee. It was strong, but good! Then we stopped and met the coffee farmer and his family. He explained the process to us and invited us in his home. I bought some coffee beans, too.

After that, we all ate lunch together (pork, potatoes, rice and beans). The potatoes were delicious! We then stopped at the lookout point and I walked up the 142 stairs to the top! The view was incredibly beautiful. Something I’ll never forget.

On the way to Trinidad, we stopped at Azariel Santander’s home. He makes pottery and showed us how he does it. He’s so fast and great at it! He made a lid to go on top of the pottery without even measuring it. We then went to a paladar for dinner and ate delicious seafood paella. Yum! Some of us played with the band, too. Then we went to our hotel in Trinidad (Las Brisas Trinidad del Mar) and had a drink before bed.

 

Day 8: Trinidad

Me in Trinidad, Cuba.

This morning we did a walking tour around Trinidad. We stopped at the home of a local family and visited a local artist. He makes art carvings out of shutters and things. Gretel took us to the ration shop where families get their monthly allowed food using their ration booklet. They get rice, sugar, oil, etc. We then went in the church of Trinidad, visited shops, and had a mojito at one of the local restaurants. Then we went back to the hotel (Las Brisas Trinidad del Mar) and had lunch at the buffet. We later played dominoes with Mary and Gretel for a while! We had drinks at the bar and walked to the ocean. We went to El Dorado paladar for dinner. We had vegetable soup, a welcome cocktail, and I ate grilled shrimp. We ended the night with a drink at the hotel.

 

Day 9: Trinidad, Cojímar, Havana

Beautiful view of Havana, Cuba.

After breakfast in Trinidad, we had a longer bus trip back to Havana (4-5 hours). We stopped in Cojímar and had lunch at Café Ajiaco with local fishermen. We had soup, chicken, rice and beans, ropa vieja, etc. One of the fishermen named Charlie showed us the photo of the biggest shark ever caught in 1945 in Cuba. There are 188 fisherman boats.

After lunch, we went to the marina and saw their boats. Ernest Hemingway would visit this area in the 1950s. They told us about their fishing trips and we saw a boat destroyed by the hurricane.

Once we arrived back in Havana, we saw El Cristo de Habana statue, The Jesus Christ of Havana. The view of Havana was beautiful. We also saw a statue dedicated to those who helped during Hurricane Irma, and we saw Che Guevara’s headquarters building.

We then had free time, so we all went to the Hall of Fame bar. We later had dinner at Paladar al Carbon. We ate arroz con pollo, lamb, fish, appetizers, and flan. It was delicious! We sat at a table with Marlys and Charlie and had a great time with them. Then we got drinks at the Hall of Fame bar and went to bed.

 

Day 10: Havana

Las Terrazas, Cuba.

This morning we drove one hour to Las Terrazas, a small community and nature reserve west of Havana. We had a welcome cocktail and talked about its history. The village was created in 1971 and 970 people live there. We visited the school and saw the kids in their classrooms. We then stopped at Ariel Gato Miranda’s studio. He makes recycled paper using discarded office paper and turns it into art.

We then had lunch at El Romero, a Cuban ecological restaurant with vegetarian cuisine. It was good! Then we took the bus back to Havana. We had some free time, so we walked around to the liquor store and souvenir shops. Then we all had a drink at the bar and sandwiches in the lower level café at the hotel for dinner. We ended the night with a drink at the Hall of Fame bar.

 

Day 11: Havana

My mom, brother, and me outside my father’s childhood home in Havana, Cuba.

We started the day driving to Ernest Hemingway’s house. The house was very well maintained and big. Everything is still original, and there’s an original Picasso in the dining room. We saw the guest house, pool, boat, etc. We weren’t allowed to go in but could look through doors and windows. Then we saw Malpaso Dance Company perform. They were amazing and toured the U.S. in early 2019!

After this, we drove to my dad’s old neighborhood. We walked around a bit and actually found his house! I immediately burst into tears. The people currently living there let us in and walk around. We took a group photo and talked for a bit. Then we took photos outside the house. I touched the building before leaving, too. This was an experience I’ll never forget.

After that, I went to the Revolution Museum with my brother, Marlys, and Charlie. It was very interesting to learn about some of the history. The museum is housed in the Presidential Palace where all Cuban presidents used to live. Behind the building is the Granma Memorial, a large glass enclosure that has the Granma, the yacht that took Che Guevara, Fidel Castro, and Raúl Castro along with dozens of other revolutionaries from Mexico to Cuba for the revolution. There are also many vehicles and tanks used in The Revolution displayed outdoors. We then had a few drinks back at the hotel.

Gretel surprised us before dinner and we all took convertibles there! Our driver went slowly so we could take in Havana. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget that drive. At dinner we had our own private room at a restaurant called Habanera, a 1930s home. Gretel gave a speech about our nice time together. I ate ropa vieja, rice and beans, and flan. I had a mojito and some wine, too. Back at the hotel, we said goodbye to Charlie and Marlys. Then we had a drink at the Hall of Fame bar before bed.

 

Day 12: Havana, Home

Last day in Havana, Cuba. I went for a walk by myself and found this beautiful spot.

We had our morning free, so we slept in, packed, relaxed, and had breakfast. I then walked around the hotel by myself and found a path that led to a big, neat Cuba sign. It was a beautiful view! Then we left the hotel and said our goodbyes to Peachy and Gretel.

What an amazing, educational experience that I will never forget! It will be in my heart always.

Day 802: Cuba Trip, Part I

Rachel, Day by Day

Revolution Square with friends and family, Havana, Cuba.

Last June I went on a 12-day life-changing educational trip to Cuba with family and friends. My father was born there, and this place has been No. 1 on my bucket list for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, so many classmates thought it was strange that I wanted to go there. My dad and I always talked about going to two places: Spain and Cuba. Unfortunately we never made it to either place together. So, one of my greatest goals in life has been to go to both places in his honor. I went on an amazing trip to Spain in 2003, and I went on this trip in 2018. There were so many amazing moments I will never forget. Here are some highlights from my journal for you from the first half of the trip (second half will be in another blog post).

Day 1: Miami

I traveled to Miami with my mom, brother, and three family friends for Day 1 in Miami. This day involved meeting everyone in our Cuba educational tour group and going through all the information we needed. We had four others in our group (Mary, Nese, Marlys, and Charlie), who were all very nice! When we arrived at our hotel, we had a shot of rum for my dad. We walked around South/Miami Beach and had a bad experience at a restaurant with rude staff, but I won’t go into the details! I did drink a good margarita, though. That evening we had drinks in the lobby bar; there was a guy playing bagpipes, too. Random!

 

Day 2: Miami to Havana

Christopher Columbus Necropolis Cemetery, Havana, Cuba.

For the flight to Havana, I somehow got first class! They gave me sparkling wine after I sat down. When we landed, everyone clapped, and I couldn’t help but tear up. Once we got through the airport, we met Gretel, our tour guide, and Peachy, our bus driver, at the bus.

Our first stop was Il Divino Farm and restaurant (many of the restaurants are privately owned, called paladars) for lunch and we got a tour of the organic farm. I ate crab, rice and beans, plantain chips, and ice cream. Then we went to the Christopher Columbus Necropolis Cemetery. It’s 138 acres and 146 years old. We saw the grave and statue of Amelia Goire de la Hoz, or La Milagrosa. She and her baby died and were buried together (the baby was placed near her feet). Years later her tomb was exhumed by her husband. Once it was opened, the baby was in her arms. People go to her grave and pray to her and leave notes and flowers.

After this, we went to Revolution Square. This is where Fidel made speeches, and his longest was nine hours. After this, we went to our hotel (Hotel Nacional de Cuba) and drank mojitos at the outdoor bar.

For dinner later, we went to a paladar called La Moraleja. We ate chicken croquets and lobster. I had a Cuba Libre and a shot of rum.

Things we learned:

• Cuba has the best skin and lung cancer treatments. People fly there for it.
• No crime, no guns, no drugs, no racism.

 

Day 3: Havana

The Muraleando, a community arts project, Havana, Cuba.

This morning we went to a lecture on the history of Cuba. He told us three homes collapse every day. Everything was mostly built between 1900-1958 and is now aging. The average state monthly salary is $27. For apartment buildings, people just maintain their own space, so common areas aren’t kept up. Tourism is up since Obama visited (2016) and the Rolling Stones came (2015), but it’s declined a bit since then. Education is free by the government.

After the lecture, we went to La Merced Church and talked to people at the senior center around the corner. We then went to a small craft market and passed Floridita, Ernest Hemingway’s favorite bar. He used to drink daiquiris there.

We then went to Amos Photography where we learned about Alex Castro and Rasmés Batista’s business. They both shoot beautiful photography for a living and hold free workshops for younger kids. We had lunch there and ate black bean cream soup, lamb, chicken, egg plant lasagna, rice and veggies, plantain chips, and guava marmalade for dessert.

After lunch, we walked around the city center of Havana. We saw the oldest hotel in Havana and the tree planted by Michelle Obama. We saw a fortress and went to the Plaza de San Francisco. We then went back to the hotel and all had drinks by the pool.

That evening we went to Muraleando, a community arts project. There’s art and murals everywhere and everything is made from recycled materials. Classes and events are held here, too. It originally was an abandoned water tank with garbage in the neighborhood. We had dinner there and danced!

 

Day 4: Havana

Fusterlandia, an artistic community filled with colorful and whimsical mosaics, Havana, Cuba.

Today we started out taking bike taxis (bici-taxis) to the market. We bought some food and brought it to the local day care center. In one of the rooms, they surrounded me and I played for a bit with them!

After that, we walked to the historical center of Havana, Plaza Vieja. We had lunch on our own and chose a restaurant on the second floor. The view was great looking down at the plaza! I ate a Cuban sandwich and tried sangria. Then we walked around the Plaza de San Francisco for a bit.

Once we got on the bus, we stopped at an old rum factory called Ron Legendario. We got a small tour and I ended up buying some cigars. We then relaxed back at the hotel a bit and got drinks. A peacock was bothering my brother in the courtyard area, and he was very nervous about it!

That night we went to Fusterlandia, an artistic community filled with colorful and whimsical mosaics. It was started by José Fuster, and we went to his house. It reminded me of a beautiful playhouse. His son, Alex Fuster, was there and explained the house and paintings to us. I bought a rum bottle with beautiful art. We then ate dinner there (rice and beans, fish, and chicken).

 

Day 5: Havana to Cienfuegos

A beautiful view of Cienfuegos, Cuba, at night.

In the morning we took the bus to Cienfuegos for 3.5 hours. When we arrived at La Union Hotel, we had some lunch and free time. We walked around craft markets and then had a piña colada by the pool. As a group, we then walked around the historic center right by our hotel. We listened to the Cantores de Cienfuegos sing. They were amazing! They travel internationally and won many first-place awards. We all danced at the end, too.

We then went to Villa Lagarto paladar for dinner and it was right on the water. The view was gorgeous. We ate pork and black beans and rice. We ended the night by having drinks on the rooftop bar. I had a delicious margarita.

 

Day 6: Cienfuegos

Children dancing at the Jardines de la UNEAC, Cienfuegos, Cuba.

This morning we went to the Cienfuegos Botanical Gardens. There were so many trees and plants from other countries. Everything was beautiful! We did a small walking tour around the gardens. We then stopped at Jardines de la UNEAC (Union of Writers and Artists in Cuba). We walked around to local artists’ galleries, and one artist even quickly made a drawing of my brother! Then we had lunch at a local restaurant on our own. I ate a Cuban sandwich!

We then went back to the Jardines de la UNEAC to watch the children dance. They were great! We all got up and danced at the end. Then we shopped a bit and had a drink on the rooftop at the hotel.

Later that night we had dinner at Finca del Mar, a nice paladar. I ate ropa vieja, squash soup, rice and beans, and flan. It was great eating authentic Cuban food! On the way back to the hotel, we stopped at Palacio de Valle, a historic villa once owned by the Valle family. It’s now a hotel and restaurant. The building was beautiful. Then we went back to the Jardines de la UNEAC and listened to Los Naranjos play music. Many people danced, which was cool to see. We then went to the rooftop bar at the hotel before heading to bed.

More to come! Stay tuned.

Day 801: Anxiety and Self-Esteem

Rachel Day by Day

A painting of my Grandpa’s house. This definitely does not give me anxiety!

For most of my life I thought I just worried more than the average person. It took me a while to realize this, but I’m pretty sure I have anxiety. On the surface I try to seem laid back and comfortable, but inside I’m worried if I’m saying or doing the right thing. That’s why I was quiet most of the time in school and still am in public occasionally. I’ve become very good at hiding it. It’s easy to pretend sometimes.

When I was really little, on Christmas Eve, all the kids would sing Christmas songs. I always said no, even when the adults would beg. What if I messed up? What if I didn’t sound good? What if everyone stares at me and laughs? These are thoughts that would run through my head. I eventually played the flute for everyone so I wouldn’t have to look up at the crowd.

In fifth grade, I went to a Bulls game with my grandparents and brother, and we sat behind one of the baskets. We got to hold up those brick signs when the other team was shooting free throws. I thought it was pretty neat, so the next week I made a speech about it in my class. I was calm and relaxed since it was something I was excited to talk about. Once I was done, my teacher talked about how he didn’t think the brick signs were fair and they should be banned at games. Apparently this event is still in my head because I remember being very upset about it. I was afraid to make speeches in that class after that. I felt like he put me down, which was a fear of mine.

Something else that doesn’t help is that I have low self-esteem. So that seems to make anxiety worse. What if people make fun of my hair, the way I’m dressed, what I say, etc.? What if I say something dumb? What if I trip and fall? These questions run around in my head numerous times a day.

Now that I have a kid, anxiety triggers with him as well. What if he’s not eating enough? What if he’s sick? What if I’m doing this all wrong?? When people come over to my house, I always think, “Is it clean and tidy enough? Are people going to judge my messiness?” Clutter triggers my anxiety and I wish I had more time to clean it up.

A few more examples: If someone doesn’t text me back for a while, I wonder if he/she is mad at me. If my husband is late getting home from work, I worry something bad happened. Yay (this is sarcasm).

I’m not saying this is how it is 24/7. That would be horrific. It definitely comes and goes. There are days I feel completely fine about things and can talk and act naturally (and silly since that’s how I am a lot). I can’t imagine how life would be for someone who felt like this all the time.

I’m honestly not sure how this happened. My mom and dad were always supportive of me growing up and never put me down. But I tend to believe the negative things about myself instead of the good. In high school one day, I was wearing a button-down shirt that was a little tighter. A girl came up to me and said, “You really shouldn’t be wearing that.” I still try to avoid button-down shirts today.

I have an insane amount of lists on my phone, computer, a notepad, etc., because I’m afraid of forgetting something to do. But all of these lists I have make me feel overwhelmed and it stresses me out. You know what would help with all this? Decluttering! I might need to sit down one evening and devote time to do this.

In conclusion:

• I’m nervous about saying the wrong thing.
• I question everything I do.
• I’m reluctant to trust my own opinion.
• I analyze conversations and events afterward in my head.
• I’m surprised by compliments and success.
• I play down my achievements.
• I think a lot of things are my fault.

I really want to make this better, but how? I try to convince myself numerous times a day that I’m really not a bad/stupid person. There are better days; there are worse days. Maybe I need to get more massages? Or hire someone to organize my life? For now, I’ll live day by day and try to think more about the happy moments in my life. And there are a lot of those with my husband, kid, family, and friends.

Day 800: 2018 Year in Review

Rachel, Day by Day

My little family.

Well, folks. It’s been a while since I’ve written in this thing! I have a new goal for 2019: Write in my blog once a month. So here is the January post for you… my year in review of 2018.

2018 ended up being an incredible year for me. There are always ups and downs, but when I look back overall, it’s been unreal. I got to watch Baby N grow, spend lots of time with family and friends, go on an amazing trip to Cuba with family and friends and see where my father grew up, and go on amazing trip to Gulf Shores with family. I have a great job, awesome friends I hope to see more often next year, a loving family, a wonderful husband, and a kind and adorable kid. I’m so thankful for everything that has happened this year, and I’m blessed to have wonderful people in my life. Here are the highlights for you:

• New Year’s Party with friends
• Melissa’s baby shower
• Many visits to Normal for birthdays, celebrations, etc.
• Super Bowl Party at our house
• Scott’s grandparent’s 70th anniversary
• Meeting Baby Aidan
• Playing at the library with Baby N
• Visits with John, Ray, and Mom
• Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade and party with friends
• Celebrating Baby N’s second birthday with many parties!
• Easter egg hunts and brunch
• Visit to Dupage Children’s Museum
• Scott meeting Natalie Morales
• Mickey visited for the weekend

Mickey visiting.

• Cubs game in April, they won!

Me and Baby N running around before the Cubs game.

• Cinco de Mayo Party at our house with Mom, Ray, and John
• Visit to Normal for Ashley’s graduation
• I received my Poynter ACES Certificate in Editing
• Went to Minneapolis for our Annual Meeting
• Went to Cosley Zoo with Scott’s family
• My amazing trip to Cuba for 12 days and we found my dad’s childhood home

Our group in Cuba.

In front of my dad’s house.

• Pinstripes for Scott’s birthday
• James’ birthday party
• Had a BBQ at Renee’s house
• Family picnic over the summer
• Fourth of July Party with friends
• Gulf Shores, Alabama, with Scott’s family

The group in Gulf Shores.

• Hung out at Christina’s house for a BBQ with friends
• Outdoor concerts in Hillside
• Arlington Race Track with friends
• My college friends and their kids visited us

Friends!

• Cubs/Cardinals Legends Game
• Elmhurst Kite Fest
• Saw Vertigo at Ravinia
• Oak Park Beer Fest
• Wisconsin Dells trip with family

Out to dinner at Wisconsin Dells.

• Dave and Buster’s with Scott’s family
• Gilmore Girls trivia with my mom
• York High School Celebration
• Bar Crawl with friends
• Sonny Acres visit
• SIU vs. ISU football game and tailgate
• Wyatt’s first birthday party
• Brittany’s housewarming party
• Boo at the Zoo
• Halloween (Baby N was a firefighter)
• Thanksgiving with my family
• We took Baby N to the ER and he ended up with croup 😦
• Christkindlemarket with Scott’s family

Christkindlemarket with family.

• Breakfast with Santa
• Spa day with my college friends
• Had a cousin gathering at Main Event
• The holidays with family
• New Years Eve party at our house and John’s birthday

It’s amazing to see all you can do in 365 days. Here’s to a great 2019!

Day 799: Year in Review

Rachel, Day by Day

I went on the biggest ship in the world this year!

Overall, for 2017, I’m not fond of what’s going on in our country, but I personally thought it was a good year! I had many fun times with family and friends, so I thought I’d do a little year in review. I’ll make it a list with a few photos so you don’t get too bored.

New Year’s Day Party with friends
Baby N learning to crawl and walk
Phantom of the Opera downtown with Scott
Many wonderful visits to Normal
Saw the Chicago Cubs World Series trophy

Me, Baby N, and the Chicago Cubs World Series trophy!

Our Super Bowl Party
St. Patrick’s Day Party with friends
Baby N turning one

My baby boy turned one.

Visited the Ball Factory with Nicole
Brookfield Zoo with my mom and Scott
Early Easter in Normal

Baby N and his cousins celebrating Easter.

Cubs game with Ray
Easter in Champaign with family
Having dinner with Brittany downtown
A train bar crawl with friends
Concert in Lilacia Park
Miller Park Zoo in Normal
Mother’s Day in Normal, early Mother’s Day with my mom

My family.

Conference in Atlanta
Uncle Paul visiting for a week
Swim lessons with Baby N

My wonderful co-worker’s retirement party
Father’s Day in Normal
Met Baby James
Picnic with my dad’s family
Kendyl’s birthday at the bowling alley
July 4 Party with friends
Softball games with Ray’s league
Hung out with Melissa in Naperville
Paul McCartney concert

Paul McCartney concert!

Cuban restaurant with family
Arlington Race Track with friends
J-Bone visited
Concerts in Hillside
Caden’s birthday party in the backyard
James’ baptism
Oak Park Beer Fest
Wisconsin Dells with family

Playing at the water park.

Elmhurst Food Fest with my mom and friends
Get-togethers with college girls

College friends!

Alzheimer’s Walk in Normal
Cubs game, Wrigley Field Tour with HBK, Scott, and Ray

Wrigley Field!

Maggie’s baby shower
Uncle John moving to the area
Sonny Acres
Wyatt being born
Boo at the Zoo
Halloween festivities in Normal
Taking Baby N trick-or-treating for the first time

Cousins celebrating Halloween.

Trick or treat!

A wonderful and amazing cruise with family

Having fun on the cruise.

First time on the beach.

Bought a Honda CRV
Thanksgiving with Scott’s family
Visit to Springfield/Peoria with Scott’s family
A great holiday season with lots of family and friend time

Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day.

Spa day with college girls
Wonderful times with family and friends

Those are the many highlights for you! Hope 2017 was good to you and 2018 is even better.

Day 798: My Story

Rachel, Day by Day

Me (on the left) hanging out with college friends while dating him. I’m pretty sure he kept calling that night.

With everything going on this year regarding sexual harassment and abuse, I thought I’d tell you my story. I’m going to write about something that has been difficult to talk about for about 10 years now. It might be good to finally get this out in writing since I’ve never done it before. I’ve always been scared to share this story, thinking you would judge me or think less of me. I’m not asking for sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. I just hope you can learn something from this if you are in a similar situation.

About 10 years ago I was hurt by my boyfriend at the time. I was about to be a junior in college when I started dating him, and we broke up at the very beginning of my senior year. Besides having a brief boyfriend in high school, he was my first real relationship that lasted a while.

When we started dating over the summer, he was nice to me and gave me lots of attention. Me, being only 20 at the time, liked the attention. He took me out to nice restaurants, wanted to spend time with me, and actually paid attention to me. It was new and exciting for me.

When I went back to college that junior year, our relationship was still pretty new, and it became long distance. That’s always hard for a new relationship. But we’d call each other a lot and visit on weekends.

At first our phone conversations were sweet, but after a while he would call over 10 times a day, which felt like he was just checking up on me. He’d ask, “Where were you earlier? What are you doing now? Who are you with?” over and over again. With that many phone calls, it’s hard to come up with exciting things to talk about, so he’d start telling me I’m boring and don’t have anything smart to say. I remember one early conversation I brought up my dad, who passed away about 5 years earlier, and he said something like, “Who cares? I’m tired of hearing about him.” We hung up later and I cried. I thought maybe it was a one time thing and he was crabby.

After a few weeks, he told me he loved me. I was flattered and excited, but couldn’t say it back right away. I was still trying to figure out how I felt. But he kept bringing it up and got angry, so one day on the phone I just said it back. He was thrilled, but I wasn’t sure if I fully meant it.

As time went on, he got more jealous and paranoid that I’d cheat on him. It felt like he was calling every hour to make sure I wasn’t with someone else. If I didn’t answer, he’d scream at me and I’d have to explain over and over again I was in a class or doing homework. If I went out with friends, he’d call even more and try to get me to go home. He bashed my family and friends so I’d only want to see him. He was very manipulative.

To him, one minute I was amazing, beautiful, and smart, the other I was stupid and fat. He had random moments of kindness that made me wonder if he’d change. Being a girl with low self-esteem, I believed all the bad things. I thought this was what I deserved.

When we were together, I slowly started noticing the physical abuse. He’d randomly punch my arm if I pissed him off and say, “Oh come on, wimp, I didn’t hit you that hard.” This kept happening more and more throughout our relationship. He once pulled me by the hair and threw me out of his house, all because I didn’t want to play tennis. Yes, tennis. But if I started to yell back at him on the phone, he’d hang up on me, call me later, and act like everything was normal.

I stuck with it for almost a year because he said he loved me and no other guy did. And he made me believe I was nothing, so I thought he was all I deserved. He kept telling me he’d change. And I kept hoping he would.

Our relationship officially ended one night when he almost sexually assaulted me. I was extremely lucky and got away. He kept calling me after that begging me to get back together with him. I definitely didn’t, but I decided to answer his phone calls and treat him like crap, the same way he treated me. I’d scream at him on the phone and tell him what a horrible person he was, and he stopped calling maybe two weeks later since he couldn’t handle it. I had some great times yelling at him, though.

I thought about getting a restraining order or taking him to court, but I never did. I never wanted to see or think about him again. Looking back, I think I should have gotten a restraining order. I’m lucky he never came after me again. Not everyone gets that lucky.

My family and friends, especially my mom, brother, and college friends, helped me through this difficult time in so many ways, and were so supportive during and after. I know they were worried the entire time and wanted to protect me, and they did everything they could. I ignored their occasional plea for me to leave him, like most people do in this kind of relationship. To quote the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” But I’m glad I eventually listened to them and got out.

I saw a social worker years later. Many years after my relationship with him, I thought I was completely stupid for getting in that situation. But she told me I wasn’t stupid at all. So many women go from one toxic relationship to the next and never know how to get out of them. She told me I’m not stupid because I got out and learned from the relationship. And my low self-esteem has gotten slightly better over time.

Ten years later to today, things are way better now. I have a loving family, friends, husband, and child. I now know what I really deserve. My husband showed me what real love means, and I thank him every day for that.

I hope you learned something from this story. And if you are in a relationship like this, I hope you get out.

Day 796: Turning 30

Rachel, Day by Day

Me throughout the years.

All this time I thought I was going to dread turning 30, but I’m not worried about it at the moment. I mean, so many things happened in my 20s and I thought it would be difficult to close that chapter in my life… graduated college, first real job, first legal alcoholic drink, first car, first apartment on my own, first real relationship, first time I fell in love (or thought it was at the time), first time I actually fell in love, first house, first smartphone, first (and only) marriage, first kid, and so on. A lot can happen in 10 years.

Me throughout the years.

It’s really strange looking back. There are certain parts of my 20s I won’t miss. The bad dates and relationships in my early 20s, a horrible relationship that hurt me badly and I thought had scarred me for life, losing loved ones, being apart from my husband for a little while, struggling through every-day stresses and drama of being a young adult, and so on. The first week living on my own, I was almost robbed in the middle of the night and now I’m kind of afraid to leave windows open. I went through my 20s without my dad and somehow made it through. I lost a lot of close family members in this decade (Grandma, Uncle Pat, Aunt Carol, Grandpa) and I miss them every day.

Me throughout the years.

While there were some bad times, I’m getting somewhat sentimental remembering the good times. I was able to live with some amazing friends during college and I’m glad I live closer to them today! It’s crazy thinking how we used to stay out until 3 a.m. many nights; I don’t think I could do that now! We had some awesome and silly times together. I met some great friends at my first real job, and sadly we are all scattered in different places now. I stayed in touch with some high school friends, which has been great. I went on a lot of awesome trips with my mom, Ray, and other family members, and had many fun nights with them in general. I met the love of my life during college and later married him. I got some great in-laws out of this, too! Our child recently came into this world and it’s been wonderful getting to know him and having him in my life. I went on some great trips with friends and family, including Mexico, Michigan, Las Vegas, a road trip to California, Cedar Point, a cruise, San Antonio, Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Paris, Miami Beach, Punta Cana, Ireland, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and so on! I swam with dolphins, met the Stanley Cup, found a Corner Bakery not on a corner, went to numerous Cubs games, met Jonathan Toews numerous times, saw friends and family members get married, went parasailing, climbed up the steps of Notre Dame Cathedral, saw the Grand Canyon, got engaged, got married, had a child, and much more.

Me throughout the years.

Even with the bad times, I know I’ll be able to look back on my 20s and smile. They are definitely a time for learning and growing. I don’t regret the bad relationships and I don’t feel stupid about them anymore. In fact, I came out of them a stronger and more confident person (I could still work on the confidence part just a little bit). I used to be so naïve in my early 20s, and feel like I’m out of that phase now. But, I’m still the silly, weird, caring, worrisome, funny, loving, sensitive girl from birth. Just a little bit older. So this decade made me part of who I am today.

What do I look forward to in my 30s? Definitely watching my son grow and taking him to new places. Spending time with family and friends. Spending time with my wonderful and amazing husband. Going to Cuba (which would be absolutely amazing). And watching the Cubs win the World Series. The Blackhawks could win another Stanley Cup, too.

Day 795: New Baby

Rachel, Day by Day

Our baby boy. 🙂

Guess what… I had a baby! Scott and I have a beautiful baby boy born on March 13, 2016, at 3:55 p.m. I don’t want to give you his name since the Internet can be weird sometimes, so we’ll just call him Baby N. If you really want to know his name, leave a comment and ask me! And I’ll break up my thoughts with photos for you so you don’t get completely bored. WARNING: If you don’t care to read about the birth, don’t read this! It’s not very graphic, though.

The morning he was born, I started having contractions around 7:30 a.m. I didn’t believe they were real ones at first since they didn’t hurt that much, but the more time went on, the more they hurt and got closer. I waited it out at home until around 11 a.m. I started getting impatient around 10 or 10:30, and I think I told Scott to be quiet a few times. Sorry about that, Scott! By the time I got to the hospital, I was in a lot of pain. It was hard checking in and filling out paperwork in that amount of pain. I wanted to yell at everyone, but I kept quiet! I found out I was already at 6 cm (if you don’t know, you start pushing at 10 cm). My doctor was surprised at how fast I progressed! So, I was taken to a birthing room and I worked through some more painful contractions. My mom, brother, and Scott’s family all waited patiently!

Hanging out with Baby N in the hospital.

I ended up getting an epidural, and I barely made it in time for one. I didn’t get a full dose, but it worked for a little while. My doctor mentioned later how I probably didn’t need an epidural at all… I’m still not sure if I agree with that. It got painful near the end there. By the time the doctor was done setting up the epidural, I was 9.75 cm along. Again, the nurse and doctor were surprised! For some reason the epidural machine would randomly make a noise that sounded like a cat. I thought I was losing my mind and that there was a cat somewhere in the room, but the nurse explained that to me later. Strange.

He knows how to pose already!

I’ll be honest… I had no clue what to expect with the contractions and actual pushing. I thought you could push whenever you wanted, but I guess you need to wait for a contraction. Sometimes I didn’t have one for minutes, so we had to wait. I was getting slightly annoyed and wanted to keep pushing to get it overwith! That’s not how it works, though.

Right before pushing, Baby N decided to move into an abnormal position. It gave me contractions in my back, which hurt! Somehow he moved back to the correct position, and I still don’t know how that happened. I had an exercise ball between my legs to help, but I don’t think it did anything.

Our first family photo.

Pushing was a bit harder than I thought it would be. For a little while it seemed like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept asking the nurse if I was doing it right. I guess I assumed you’d push a few times and the baby would come out, but it takes a little longer than that! My mom and Scott supported me through that and were extremely helpful. They counted for me and kept telling me I was doing a good job. Once Baby N was ready to join us, things got hectic in the room! The doctor and nurses were setting things up and moving around, and that’s when I knew things were happening. Baby N soon joined us after that!

So, how do I describe the moment I saw him? Unbelievable. Amazing. Breathtaking. Exciting. Scary. I cried a lot and all of a sudden fell in love. It’s crazy thinking about how quickly I fell in love with this little guy once he was in my arms and on my chest. It’s a feeling I will never forget.

Baby N at home!

I’ve sucked at updating my blog and tomorrow he will already be two months old! I’ll have to write more about him as I have time. There’s lots I can say about Baby N, and they are all amazing things. Stay tuned and I’ll try to update sooner!

Day 794: My Grandpa

Rachel, Day by Day

Grandma, Grandpa, and me after I was baptized in 1986.

After 88 years of living an amazing life, my grandpa passed away this past Saturday. I was able to visit him a lot in the hospital and be there as he left this world. I’m still in shock since he seemed fine just a few weeks ago. This is going to be tough for a while, and I’m going to miss my regular Thursday night visits with him. We’ve been having them for over a year now, ever since I moved back to the area. After my first ever Thursday visit, he called me just to make sure I got home OK. That was sweet.

My family and I on vacation. I was tiny! From left to right: Me, Grandpa, Uncle Pat, Grandma, and Ray.

I’ve never met a man so kind and caring toward others. He always put his family and friends before himself. He took care of my grandma and would help out our family whenever we needed anything. During my last conversation with him, he even looked at me and said, “Hi, baby. I worry about you.” As he was lying there being sick, he worried about me. Only an amazing man like him would do that.

Ray, Gramps, and me.

My grandpa was one of the many contributors that helped make my childhood so wonderful. He’d take Ray and I out on the bike and we’d get TCBY yogurt all the time. I remember sitting behind him on his bike when I couldn’t ride my own yet. His pants would start falling down, so I’d pull them up for him. And then I’d shout to him, “Hey Gramps, I just wanted to let you know I pulled up your pants for you.” He’d shout back, “OK!” He probably thought I was extremely silly.

Ray and I helping Grandpa clean up the Prairie Path.

My family and I went on numerous vacations with him, to Wisconsin, North Carolina, Nebraska, Michigan, and so on. I’m so thankful to have many photos and memories with him. He’d go to all of my sporting events, band concerts, and so on as I grew up and he would cheer me on. He was always there at graduations and birthday parties, too. We’d have family game nights with him, my grandma, and others; those were always my favorite nights.

Me, Gramps, and Grandma.

When I was being confirmed in the Catholic Church, some family members wrote letters to me. Gramps wrote me a sweet letter about how he was proud of the woman I had become. I’ll never forget the last line because it made me cry at the time. He wrote, “My littlest angel has grown up.” It still touches my heart.

A family photo! My mom and dad are standing in the back. From left to right in the front: Me, Gramps, Ray, and Grandma.

Gramps loved to go on the Internet and Facebook. He especially loved looking for new recipes. Years ago, he sent me this email that makes me smile: “I went on Google and typed in rabbits, and one of the answers was pages and pages of little bunny rabbits. Are you aware of this? Love, Grandpa.” He knew me so well.

Me, my cousin Emily, Gramps, and Ray at an Illini football game.

During my last conversation with him, I was able to tell him our baby’s full name. I did so while holding his hand and forehead, and as tears ran down my face, but I was able to get it out. I asked him if he liked it and he nodded his head. He then said, “Wow, that’s a beautiful name.” I then told him I loved him over and over again. As I was leaving for the night, he told me he loved me and said, “Thanks for the great honor.” So, as of now, Scott, Gramps, and I are the only three people that know the baby’s name. And it’s tearing my heart apart, in both a good and bad way.

Me, Gramps, and Scott on vacation in Michigan.

It’s going to be extremely difficult going on in life without him. But I know I’ll feel him around occasionally and he’ll be watching over all of us. I know he’s happy to be with his wife and son. Gramps, you were one of the greatest men I’ve ever known, and I will miss you and love you always.

A group family photo at our wedding.

Gramps and me dancing at our wedding.